Regrets

(Warning!  I don't double check my grammar, spelling, or sentence structure...so don't read this as a term paper even though it may actually be a thousand words.)

It is, today... unbelievable, that what only seems like yesterday...8 months ago in reality, Mike was the proud...and I do mean PROUD father of a newborn baby daughter.  He was a good police Lieutenant, and had a knack for walking away from our poker games with my $5 in his pocket. (psst...yep, it's generally $5 to buy into Mike Renault's table...you can fire me later for gambling)  He always has gotten a kick out of playing golf with me.  I'm a great influence on non professional golfers.  No matter how bad their golf game is...it's never as bad as mine.  I'm a confidence builder.  So don't hesitate to buy me a round of golf if you would like to feel like Tiger Woods with your 100 yard drive, because my drive is guaranteed to be shorter...and probably underwater.  But man, I always enjoy getting out there with him. 

Dad reminded me today that the three of us played what will have been his last round of golf back in July.  No disappointments either...Mike and I, playing the two of us verses dad, rarely, in all of our years of hacking, beat the old man.  Mike always keeps us close...and I'm good for a putt or two. 

We haven't even moved to referring to him in past tense, but we are already, because of the nature of this monster called cancer, recalling all of the good moments we've shared with him over the years.  Oddly enough, not very many bad ones.  Don't get me wrong.  Mike had a stage in his life where he was far more than my parents could handle...or any of us for that matter.  He had a temper, and a bit of a rebellious streak.  Oddly enough, even then, I remember him including me, and taking care of me...in sports, church...pretty much everywhere.  Mike got through that stage pretty quickly, and settled into being the man he is.  Fun, good natured, tough, reliable and loyal. If Mike calls you friend, you truly have one. 

One of his friends told me something today that I have no business sharing, but man, it sums it up perfectly.  He basically just told me that no matter what happened to them in college or high school, or how many times he got wrapped up in things..."that guy kept calling me."  I can relate to that.  When I got out of the military and became a squatter at mom and dad's house in Tampa, Mike was working nights and he'd call me just about every day to come play basketball, or hang out.  Jen would cook dinner...and she found a soft spot in me with her Kabasi and Sour Kraut.  Mike Is one of the most satisfied men I know.  He trully is content in life. 

I know I'm rambling on...but here's my point.  This same friend of Mike's said how many regrets he had in life, and I told him I had a ton of them too.  I've been sitting here for days reliving the past 8 months, wondering why I didn't see how little time we had left together.  Reliving the last 33 years thinking how differently I could have lived parts of it, to make sure I knew him better, or that he knew how much I looked up to and respected him. 

I guess my epiphanal moment (is epiphanal a word?) was when I needed to tell Mike's friend this.  As much as I was saying it to him...I was saying it to me, "It's not too late to live a life without regrets."

I've been wondering why.  Why Mike?  Why not someone who better deserves this pain and suffering.  Why not me?  I know my demons, I've wrestled them, lost some rounds.  Done things to earn some sort of suffering.  Mike hasn't.  I have regrets...tons of them.  They haunt me...even though I know they shouldn't.  Mike, not so many regrets.  And maybe, just maybe that's a sliver of reason I see in all of this.  Mike is as good as a man gets.  Honorable, courageous, strong and fair.  Mike can go in peace, knowing he's left no unfinished business on the table.  No scars that won't heal.  Perhaps there is much more in my life I need to atone for...there are so many regrets I have an opportunity to amend.  The past is history, and tomorrow can be without them. 

Today, remembering what seems like yesterday, but was really 8 months ago...Mike was the proud father of a newborn daughter.  He still is that man, and when the end comes, that is who he will always be. 

And it's not too late for me, I only hope I measure up to be half the man he has been to me. 

***END*** Read on for a funny story from the hospital today.

You'd be proud to know that Mike's sense of humor is still intact.  One of his pastors stopped by today to offer a prayer, at the end of which, most of us were crying.  I don't think Mike was tracking most of the prayer, but when it was over he looked around at the crying faces, and opened his eyes wider and says very slowly..."Man....that must have been some prayer there."  I think Jen asked him why.  "Mike sort of moved his hand in Kristen's direction and said, "Well...it takes a lot to keep my sister there focused for very long."  We all started laughing...not Mike...best deliveries are when you don't laugh at your own joke.  Ofcourse he could have been serious.  But then Kristen said, "Me?!  What about Jason...he's standing right here."  Mike kind of rolled his eyes towards me, and said "Ahhh...Jason...he's always...(breath) completely focused."  NOW THAT IS  A FUNNY STATEMENT if you know me at all. 

Comments

[Linda Hurley]

Jason, you are giving your brother such honor through your writings. They make me wish I had the opportunity to meet him. You are all in my prayers.