Collision

Endings

Yesterday was a special day for me.  Mike was pretty alert yesterday morning when I got to the hospital, and everyone else headed out at one point, so I took the opportunity to say some things that had been going on.  I was able to tell Mike about his friend who had gone home a changed person after spending time with him.  His friend had told me "Mike changed my life."  So I passed that on to him.  He was proud, I could see that much in his eyes.  He said something to the effect that "I can't believe someone would change their life because of me."  But Mike had always wanted good to come out of this.  So then I told him about the blog, and the tons of emails I've been getting from it.  Mike doesn't know what a blog is, so I explained that there were a lot of people being impacted by his story, just like he'd told me he wanted to be able to do months ago.   He kind of tightened his lips and nodded his head.  It was a good thing.   I wasn't sure he'd even remember it after the next round of pain medication, but when he came around a bit later, he kept trying to tell Jen something.  It was very hard to make out his words, but eventually I realized that he was asking me to tell Jen about the blog and the story.  He was so proud to be making a difference.  He was always too humble and stubborn to see the good he'd done. 

They got him home, into his own bed last night. That's what he wanted.  I think he was hanging on until he got there honestly.  And so sometime during dark hours of the night last night, heaven got one of it's brightest lights.  My friend, my brother, my mentor and so many times my idol.  Michael James Renault got to see the face of God.

He told David, Michelle and Tom when they left on Friday night that, "Next time you see me, I'll be good as new."  Amen brother, Amen.

Clarity - (Addendum)

See, I spelled addendum right. 

I can honestly say that dad or I would do anything to stop the pain Mike is going through.  I know I would take his place in a heartbeat...not that that makes anyone elses suffering less...but for some reason I'd rather be there than see him there.  I think dad would too.  There is nothing we wouldn't do to ease this. 

There was nothing God didn't do.  He did take our place.  I hate to make everything a point on faith...but well...that's what I do.  Mike said several months ago that he had always  felt like his life had never had the impact for God that his dad's and his brothers (mine) did.  That his story wasn't as good as ours or something.  But that he was anxious to beat this cancer so his story would be better...and he wouldn't stop telling it.  It's my hope, that these things aren't depressing, but that in a way, you see what Mike wanted.  People to know God through him.

Clarity

There are some things in my life I know I have to do, and yet, still dread doing them.  There's only one movie that I think is that way for me.  I try to make sure, once a year, that students that have not see The Passion, sit down and watch it.  It's powerful, painful and amazing.  Nothing else reminds me of God's love more than what He suffered to rescue me. 

One of the most poignant points of the movie was when Mary saw Jesus fall with the cross, and she had flashbacks to His childhood when he fell down at some point and was crying.  The scene of her running towards Him like any mother would when her child is hurt.  It's so...human. 

In a brief moment of clarity for me a couple days ago, I was really moved by a moment where I was watching dad talk to Mike.  The pain of a father a mother...watching a child slip away.  I know many of you have felt your hearts breaking too.  Thanks for the notes and the posts.  It helps.  What hit me though was when I felt God whisper something in my head that I guess I hadn't considered up until this point.  "He's my child too, Jason."

The Passion only shows Mary's heart breaking.  It cannot, and could never attempt, to show God's pain at the misery of His Son.  But He doesn't have just one son in this world.  He made it all and all is His ultimately.  He lives the pain with every lost child that never finds it's way back to the safety of His arms.  He hears the cries of His children when they are oppressed, hurting and in need.  Not the way we see needs and try to help people.  We are His children. 

"You're His child too."

Regrets

(Warning!  I don't double check my grammar, spelling, or sentence structure...so don't read this as a term paper even though it may actually be a thousand words.)

It is, today... unbelievable, that what only seems like yesterday...8 months ago in reality, Mike was the proud...and I do mean PROUD father of a newborn baby daughter.  He was a good police Lieutenant, and had a knack for walking away from our poker games with my $5 in his pocket. (psst...yep, it's generally $5 to buy into Mike Renault's table...you can fire me later for gambling)  He always has gotten a kick out of playing golf with me.  I'm a great influence on non professional golfers.  No matter how bad their golf game is...it's never as bad as mine.  I'm a confidence builder.  So don't hesitate to buy me a round of golf if you would like to feel like Tiger Woods with your 100 yard drive, because my drive is guaranteed to be shorter...and probably underwater.  But man, I always enjoy getting out there with him. 

Dad reminded me today that the three of us played what will have been his last round of golf back in July.  No disappointments either...Mike and I, playing the two of us verses dad, rarely, in all of our years of hacking, beat the old man.  Mike always keeps us close...and I'm good for a putt or two. 

We haven't even moved to referring to him in past tense, but we are already, because of the nature of this monster called cancer, recalling all of the good moments we've shared with him over the years.  Oddly enough, not very many bad ones.  Don't get me wrong.  Mike had a stage in his life where he was far more than my parents could handle...or any of us for that matter.  He had a temper, and a bit of a rebellious streak.  Oddly enough, even then, I remember him including me, and taking care of me...in sports, church...pretty much everywhere.  Mike got through that stage pretty quickly, and settled into being the man he is.  Fun, good natured, tough, reliable and loyal. If Mike calls you friend, you truly have one. 

One of his friends told me something today that I have no business sharing, but man, it sums it up perfectly.  He basically just told me that no matter what happened to them in college or high school, or how many times he got wrapped up in things..."that guy kept calling me."  I can relate to that.  When I got out of the military and became a squatter at mom and dad's house in Tampa, Mike was working nights and he'd call me just about every day to come play basketball, or hang out.  Jen would cook dinner...and she found a soft spot in me with her Kabasi and Sour Kraut.  Mike Is one of the most satisfied men I know.  He trully is content in life. 

I know I'm rambling on...but here's my point.  This same friend of Mike's said how many regrets he had in life, and I told him I had a ton of them too.  I've been sitting here for days reliving the past 8 months, wondering why I didn't see how little time we had left together.  Reliving the last 33 years thinking how differently I could have lived parts of it, to make sure I knew him better, or that he knew how much I looked up to and respected him. 

I guess my epiphanal moment (is epiphanal a word?) was when I needed to tell Mike's friend this.  As much as I was saying it to him...I was saying it to me, "It's not too late to live a life without regrets."

I've been wondering why.  Why Mike?  Why not someone who better deserves this pain and suffering.  Why not me?  I know my demons, I've wrestled them, lost some rounds.  Done things to earn some sort of suffering.  Mike hasn't.  I have regrets...tons of them.  They haunt me...even though I know they shouldn't.  Mike, not so many regrets.  And maybe, just maybe that's a sliver of reason I see in all of this.  Mike is as good as a man gets.  Honorable, courageous, strong and fair.  Mike can go in peace, knowing he's left no unfinished business on the table.  No scars that won't heal.  Perhaps there is much more in my life I need to atone for...there are so many regrets I have an opportunity to amend.  The past is history, and tomorrow can be without them. 

Today, remembering what seems like yesterday, but was really 8 months ago...Mike was the proud father of a newborn daughter.  He still is that man, and when the end comes, that is who he will always be. 

And it's not too late for me, I only hope I measure up to be half the man he has been to me. 

***END*** Read on for a funny story from the hospital today.

You'd be proud to know that Mike's sense of humor is still intact.  One of his pastors stopped by today to offer a prayer, at the end of which, most of us were crying.  I don't think Mike was tracking most of the prayer, but when it was over he looked around at the crying faces, and opened his eyes wider and says very slowly..."Man....that must have been some prayer there."  I think Jen asked him why.  "Mike sort of moved his hand in Kristen's direction and said, "Well...it takes a lot to keep my sister there focused for very long."  We all started laughing...not Mike...best deliveries are when you don't laugh at your own joke.  Ofcourse he could have been serious.  But then Kristen said, "Me?!  What about Jason...he's standing right here."  Mike kind of rolled his eyes towards me, and said "Ahhh...Jason...he's always...(breath) completely focused."  NOW THAT IS  A FUNNY STATEMENT if you know me at all. 

Fading Memories: Remember the Good Ones (repost)

I sat yesterday with my brother, Mike, in a hospital room 4 floors up.  He's wasn't/isn't doing really well.  He was awake most of the time, but not very alert.  I would say he is in a half awake dreamy state, not brought on by the pain medications, but probably a combination of the various chemos, malnutrition and a bladder infection.  Either way, right now, he's only mentally here for brief periods of time.  He seems to be fading in and out of conversations and events that have occurred over the last 37 years of his life. 

It's gut wrenching to see him like this.  And the words "gut wrenching" don't do the hurt justice.  Words don't exist that could express it.  At first, before I really realized that the conversations he was having weren't about where we were at that moment, I was trying to explain where he was, what was going on.  Heather, his Sister-in-Law, gently told me not to try to reorient him.  I honestly didn't know what that meant, but then I was able to bring that down to my 8 year old level and realize it meant.  "Play along"
So I spent the rest of the afternoon...playing along.

At one point he seemed to be getting in on a basketball match...asked if they needed one more.  I just told him..."Yeah, come on man."

Another point he was talking about a football game and said, "Man, I feel sorry for whoever's team I'm on."   I just laughed a bit, and played along.  I said, "Well, you know, they don't want ME on their team either...I never could catch the ball."
His eyes widened, and he nodded and with his raspy voice said, "That's the truth." 

I just started laughing...crying.  Not crying from laughing so hard, but laughing because I couldn't cry hard.  But wherever he was in his head at that moment.  He knew this.  Jason couldn't catch the ball. 

15 years ago, Mike and several of his friends would get together with me and several of my friends and we would go camping at Ft. Clinch.  Playing capture the flag, football...everything.  I remember one year playing flag football, and the other team basically not even covering me.   They knew I wouldn't catch the ball.  But Mike.  He kept throwing it to me.  I think I caught one...to everyone's amazement.  But I dropped a dozen or more others.  He just kept throwing. 

I mess up so much in my life.  So many regrets.  So many things I wish I could get right, but so many things I just seem to do wrong.  So many snide comments, or greedy wants.  So many places where I just don't allow myself to be content.  But our heavenly Father keeps throwing me the ball.  Sometimes I catch it.  Sometimes I get distracted and miss.  But for some reason he keeps throwing it my way. 

So Mike's still playing football in his head, but in a hospital bed tied to tubes and bags.  So I lead him on a little bit while I "play along."  I wanted him to know something.  I just said, "You know, I would have been picked last in every game if it weren't for you picking me up.  Thanks bro."

His eyes widened, and he nodded again and said, "That's the truth."  And then he closed his eyes and moved on to another memory. 

Say it

You would think that by the time one has taken breathes for 33 years, they would have learned so many basic fundamentals of life and love that nothing would be new to them.  Maybe it isn't really new to me,  but the last three days of my life have retaught me something I need to share and make sure I never forget.  It's pretty simple.  If you know me, though, simplicity doesn't make something easy for me.  Especially when it involves engaging my heart and emotions.  The simple/hard thing for me?  Saying it.

Saturday I went to the funeral of a woman I respected and loved.  She was the parent of a student I helped introduce to Christ years ago while serving at Cypress Meadows Community Church in Clearwater.  She was an accomplished woman.  She was a fantastic lawyer, an elder in the church, a proud mother and a force to be reckoned with.  At the funeral I heard some people who knew her much better than I did, speak about the impact she had made in their lives.  What a legacy!  Douglas, the pastor at Cypress told how before she went in for the heart surgery, where she would have the heart attack that took her from us, they had prayed.  And he had hugged her neck, kissed her on the cheeck and then told her he loved her.  You don't know Douglas, but he's not the kiss on the cheek type of person.  Most of us aren't, but he felt the nudge to do it, and he expressed something in that moment that he said he will never regret.  His deep seeded, emotionally rooted, brotherly love for her.  He had no idea what would happen to her in the next days.  It wasn't supposed to be a dangerous procedure.  He said it. 

How often we leave things unsaid.  It's easier for me to tell my wife what she has done to annoy me, than it is for me to look her in the eyes and tell her how much I need her and depend on her in my life...how much I deeply love her.  It's easier for me to say, "see you later" to my brother, than to open up the emotional can of worms that are embodied in the simple words, "I love you man."  It took me 6 months of chemo treatments to squeak those words out, and after a good visit with him Friday night, I once again seem to have resorted to "see you later."  I think he knows I love him.  I think he knows I will be with him until he beats this cancer, and that I'd do anything I could to help.  I wish I'd said it though. 

My friend died suddenly, unexpectedly.  It could happen to any of us.  We just don't know what the next minute or day will bring.  But I am sure of this.  We need to be able to say it, because we may never know the true depths of friendship and love if we keep those things bottled.  We may never find the chance to say it again.  We may miss the opportunity to let someone know their true worth, and to have them return that love. 

I guess what I'm rambling on about is just that simple idea...don't hold back the next time you think you should let someone know how much they mean to you.  They may to hear that. 

This Sunday at Collision, just reinforced my Saturday experiences.  I paraphrased John 13 and 14, in such a way that the first half of the service, people thought I was announcing that I was leaving the church.  Yes...that's total emotional manipulation.  Guilty as charged.  But the reality of the moment was that this was Jesus trying to say to his friends how important they were to Him.  He knew full well what the days ahead would entail.  He was preparing them.  He was saying it!  So much of those next few chapters before He goes to His trial are those words of love spoken from the mouth of God to His friends, His students...and then, by His very death on the cross.  "I love you this much." 

Say it...to someone you haven't had the courage or opportunity to.

Say it...to your spouse, your children, don't miss an opportunity, you just don't know if you will get another

Say it...to your friend you've never had more than a passing conversation with...that friendship can be more than surface...when we move our sports page chat to something bigger.

Alright...guys, we suck at this.  I know it...and I know we aren't going to go around hugging each other saying "I love you" and kissing each other on the cheek.  Maybe just going past the gang style hand shake and engaging a friend and saying..."You know, thanks for keeping up with me man, I don't have a lot of friends in this world, and..." anyway you pick it up from there.  Like I said, I'm horrible at this stuff.  But I intend to find ways to

SAY IT

Power Wheels and Abundant Life

Some days parenting takes directions you just never see coming.  We live on a relatively docile cul de sac in a decent neighborhood.  As I mentioned before, we have 4 different Barbie powerwheels vehicles we have gotten at garage sales and things of that sort over the last couple of years, and I recently started upgrading them to go...a bit faster.  So our cul de sac is now a tad less docile with the girls and the friends zipping through our yard and such.  We have some guidelines that the girls understand about havign these toys.  The biggest is that they are not allowed to go down the street outside of the cul de sac.

They have a friend who is a year or so older, but has a longer leash than we give our kids.  She comes down pretty often, and the kids really like to play with her, but there's already a bit of girl drama here.  She's the "if you won't play with me now, then I won't play with ya'll tomorrow" type.  So yesterday, with me watching from the window, I saw Rachel and Haley go outside of the boundary of the cul de sac following their friend to her house...probably 20 housed down.  It's not THAT far, and it's not THAT dangerous...but it was breaking the rules.  So as they came zipping back down within a minute of leaving, I don't think they expected to find dad standing glaring at them in the middle of the cul de sac.  I told them to bring all of their toys out in the garage and that they needed to come inside for a bit.  They were devastated...crying, I think more at the fact that their "bossy" friend would be mad at them than anything else.  But in we all went.

I let them stew in their rooms for a bit, and then went in to talk.  I'm sure you can imagine the drama, they are crying and can hardly control themselves long enough to talk about why they were "in their room."  So I asked them.  Who broke the rule?   Neither was going to go first...I think they were under the impression only one of them was going to get in trouble, so neither wanted to admit their mistake.  So I asked them if they knew the rule about how far they could go?  They said yes.  I asked who broke the rule?  Silence.  I said.  Did I break the rule?  They said no.  I said to Rachel, did you break the rule.  "Yes...but *my friend* was going to ask her mom something..."  Haley, did you break the rule?  "Yes"  (Rachel didn't even know that Haley had tagged along at a distance.  It was funny, you could see the relief on her face when she knew she wasn't the only one that messed up.)

So I asked them...who's fault is it that you are in trouble?  Haley points at me!!!  So I asked again "Did I break the rule?"  They said "no."  Me, "So whose fault is it?"  Finally they say, "Ours."  OK, so then I told them this basically. 

"Girls I love you more than anything you could possibly imagine.  But if I see you break a rule, I have to punish you.  If I don't, then I would actually be breaking the rules too.  You break a rule, I HAVE TO CORRECT IT.  If I don't, then you'll keep doing things that put you in danger.  But I'd rather you be mad at me for correcting you, then see you hurt because you were doing something I told you not to do.  If you make just one mistake out on the road, and a car hits you, I would lose you forever.  I couldn't live with myself if that happened.  (I'm holding back tears at this point)  I love you Rachel, I love you Haley, but I always have to correct you and I always need to know that you respect the rules that we have in place.  The more you do, the more fun you get to have.  "

When I'd finished talking to them, I asked them to clean up some areas of the house and let them go back outside.  Their bossy friend was out there, but apparently told them that she was going to play with someone else sense they hadn't been out there.  Rachel was devastated and came to the door and told me what the girl had said.  I looked at her and said, "Well, you know what?  You can't let someone else determine when you are going to have fun or not.  Make your own fun, and she'll want to play with you."  I took Rachel's hand and walked her outside, put her on her Barbie 4 Wheeler, and we played...Run Daddy Over...within view of her bossy friend who was looking at me and the girls laughing and playing, clearly wishing she hadn't just told them she wouldn't play with them.  Then, I grabbed my shoes...after stubbing my toe on the pavement...and I crammed myself behind the wheel of their suped up Barbie Beach Patrol Jeep, and our little caravan raced down the street (passed the barrier they'd broken earlier, because daddy was with them) laughing and screaming for the whole world to hear.

I make more mistakes in my life than I care to admit to anyone.  And clearly, God gave us some rules to live within, for our own good.  And yes, when we break them, if He didn't do anything about it, we'd probably keep doing it, or pushing even further past His lines.  What He really desires is that we obey, and when we do...we can live life with Him and live it to the fullest.

John 10:10 A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance.

Pray with me...

This may not last a full 30 minutes, but it may give you a head start.  I'd like to share with you a song that helped me find the right frame of mind to really settle down with God this morning. With several meetings looming today, I woke up pretty much dreading the next 15 hours.  Thanks to rediscovering this song on the way to work this morning, and then again here in the office, I was able to really focus and open my day to my Father in heaven.  So maybe you can find that too. Shut the door, turn off the cell phone, turn the lights down or off and listen to this song. It should play when you hit the play button below, but before you do, take a minute to just breathe.  Breathe deeply and slowly.  Settle yourself before you listen.  After you listen to the song, it's your time to talk.  Keep your eyes closed and maybe try talking out loud, not in your head.  If this is helpful to you in some way, let me know sometime. For now, rest and listen and talk.

"Only You" David Crowder Band

Star Wars...addendum

It should be noted that my childrens Star Wars experience culminated into a thud and a scream yesterday afternoon while I was in the bedroom changing Ethan's diaper.  Apparently Haley took the invisible light saber to a whole new level using her twirling batons.  One of which struck "Old Ben Kendobi" (Rachel) in the shoulder. 

Star Wars

So I recently decided that it was time to introduce my children to their dads ultimate tie to his adventurous childhood...Star Wars.  They are 4 and 6 (the girls) and they are ripe to experience the adventure from a galaxy far far away.  Parenting is pretty much a good analogy for Star Wars if you think about it.  As much as I'd like my kids to see me as a wise, patient and caring father, like Obi Wan Kenobi but much younger.   The truth is, they probably would say I'm schizophrenic between Darth Vader and Han Solo.  Sometimes crazy and fun, sometimes doling out punishment with really raspy coffee smelling breathe.  **Actually, as I'm writing this, the two of them just walked out of their shower wearing nothing but there birthday suits...Rachel saying "I am Old One Kenobi" and Haley saying, "I am Luke Skywalker"  right before they both attacked me saying "There's Darth Vader." *Whack* *Whack*  how ironic is that!**

Anyway, we started Episode IV on Saturday (that's the first old movie for those of you who have been under a rock for the last 30 years.)  As soon as that classic movie score started playing, the kids got to see their dad swooshing around with his invisible lightsaber loudly "singing?" the tune of the Star Wars music.  "Duh..duh.da da da. duh..da! da!!!!"  It was foolish, it was ok...maybe not Han Soloish, maybe Jar Jar Binxish?  Either way, by the end of the opening titles, they were singing it with me and jumping around...even Ethan got in on the fun, and still is...running around going ""Duh..duh.da da da. duh..da! da!!!!"  We managed, after me answering and explaining the whole movie, to get through it.  I wasn't sure if they were really into it, but thanks to Martin Luther King Jr, we had a day together today to watch the second movie.  You guessed it...the movie started, and even before I could get started, they were swooshing and singing around the room.  How cool is that?  But I have realized something in watching it with them.  They are only as interested in the movie if their dad is in there with them.  If I leave the room, or have to leave for a couple minutes, they don't really get what's happening in the movie. 

My kids are thrilled to watch a movie they don't fully understand, if their dad is there with them.  And the more I get into the movie, the more they get into it.  So when Han and Luke are fighting off Tie fighters, and I'm cheering on each explosion, they start to get it into the excitement.  Now, they won't stop talking about it, and are prodding me to watch the rest of the movies.  They probably just want some more time with me, and you know what?  That's exactly what they are going to get.  I may have to be Darth Vader to them sometimes, but I bet the more they hang out with me and know me, the less they have to see the dark side of the force. 

I sometimes field questions, and have even wondered, why didn't Jesus just come down as a grown man and skip the whole having Mary and Joseph change His diaper for Him bit?  Yeah, I know...prophecies and such.  There are lots of logical reasons actually.  It helps me a bit though, to think that God lived my life from the beginning.  He was a kid, he laughed, he goofed off in a completely foolish yet sinless kind of way  :-)  He grew up into a teenager...an adult.  Lost loved ones, saw friends fail.  And in all of this He was living right here with us.  Showing us what He is really like. 

John 14:9Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father.

So if we have this view of our Father in heaven as this all powerful overlord, we probably missed something.  While He no doubt has the power and authority to punish.  The picture we see in His time with us on earth is of a loving, patient, forgiving and sacrificial Spirit.  A picture I see more and more clearly, the more and more time I spend with Him.